It’s hard being a teenager in the 20th
century. Teens are just trying to fit in; high school is a time when some
people try to find themselves. Being in a public school and being a Christian
is pretty hard. Public school is where you’re distracted by our phones and friends.
At church, I would cut myself off from the other people; I just thought I
wasn’t good enough for them, like I wasn’t Godly enough. So I turned out to be
that just hangs with her sister. It’s hard to make long lasting friends, I
would try to make more friends but I would be too shy to keep the conversation
going. I thought I was going to be that girl forever, or however long I stayed
at that church.
Youth camp was coming up, the camp
everyone was waiting for. The day before the camp I told myself,” you have to
at least meet someone new and you will have an awesome spring break.” SO the
day came, the day I walked on that camp; my heart beating, my palms getting
sweaty, and re-saying what I told myself the day before. I didn’t know what to
expect, was I going to have a new friend or just be the same person I was. As
the day was passing by, we had to choose our groups, at first some people from
my church pulled me into their group but then they switched me with another
girl. I was left with the people that nobody wanted or they got kicked out
because their friend’s group had too many people. That night I was thinking,
did my friends/acquaintances really not want me but thin I thought God probably
did this to me to tell me that you don’t need friends to survive, in life you
can’t always count on them.
The next day I made a friend and
talked about all our lessons and devotions throughout the day. There was one girl
that had trouble with high school, and I just simply told her what I learned
from the first night. My whole attitude towards things totally changed after
the camp, I began to do things without help, and had self confidence. The next
week I went to church I felt like I was friendlier and can communicate with
people better. It just felt like I was a whole different person at the time,
instead of being the girl that hangs with her sister, I turned out to be
friendlier and mature. By just being left alone I learned a life lesson from it
and I got to understand myself so much better.
I was beginning to be an individual; I didn’t have
to count on anyone to be there for me when I seem to fail. Everyone has a way
of finding themselves or “Coming of Age.” Camp just seemed to fit for me, that’s
where I had to mature up and realize that I’m in high school you can’t count on
your friends on everything. Be the person that can be the leader not the one
that follows.
DONT SPEND SO MUCH TIME DISCUSSING THE MEANING OF COMING OF AGE OR TEENS IN THE 20TH CENTURY. DISCUSS MORE ABOUT YOURSELF AND BEING A TEENAGER. ALSO YOU SAID THAT AT CHURCH YOU WOULDN'T TALK TO ANYONE AND IN THE END OF STORY YOU LEARNED HOW TO BE INDEPENDENT...AREN'T THOSE THE SAME THINGS. MAKE SURE IT IS CLEAR HOW YOU HAVE CHANGED, IF YOU LEARNED HOW TO BE INDEPENDENT TELL US HOW YOU RELIED ON OTHER PEOPLE ALL THE TIME. AS(2)
ReplyDeleteI think you talked to much about Coming of Age and I also think that you could have talked a little bit more about what you learned from the experience. I think your essay was a little long but it was good.
ReplyDeleteYou should add in more detail about how you adapted from that shy girl you were before in church. Show an example of how you thought you weren't "Godly" enough. Were you more rebellious than others? If so, how? Including examples would make your essay more stronger.
ReplyDeleteTry to cut a lot of the minor details about high school and the coming of age. You don't need a whole paragraph about it, especially in your introduction. The reader will get easily bored and wouldn't want to read anymore. Include more details about yourself, relate it to the teens in the 20th century.
There are some spelling errors that make the reading fluency uneasy, so watch out for that when you make your revision.